**** KAM-I-AM BASIC V2 ****
64K RAM SYSTEM 38911 BASIC BYTES FREE
|
READY. [2004-12-16 - 2:15 a.m.] The holidays bring all the awkward situations back home. Man you tell me I'm special... we exist on some level that I just don't realize with...- Oh, I can't be both vague and honest, so I'll just go to bed and replay all these situations in my head. The role of me will be played by Jeremy Piven. Ably. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-12-11 - 3:48 a.m.] I'm too old for heartwarmed meanderings about how great a certain situation is. Well maybe not too old, but too careful. Or maybe I just have to pee. I feel I maybe need to talk to a... certain person before life goes any further. Because after all... we sort of had a deal, didn't we? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-12-05 - 4:17 a.m.] Where did I leave off? It's 1,000 years later and things couldn't be better, except that they really could. But realistically things became surprising. Just like all those optimistic jerks said, when they tried to always re-affirm with me that I was so down-hearted, baby. Time flows like a river, and history repeats. But the fish caught within, they're always so delicious. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-07-22 - 2:04 a.m.] "No, you are not fine, you are in constant pain." I am not fine, I am in constant pain. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-01-23 - 11:02 a.m.] So much for the mystery, it's been me all along. (If by 'all along', I mean, the last little while). It was ME Austin, it was ME!! See? I am fine now. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-01-12 - 11:24 a.m.] One can say that a certain Christ was born on December 31st, 1999. Well, on January 10th, 2004, I realized that I was still in love with the Old Testament. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2004-01-09 - 11:25 p.m.] Some people are just so surprising. Like my self, my insides: surprising. Once you dig through all the tones of back home there's something more (sometimes super secret) inside that's all sparkles and phosphorescence. It's the real world. A true home. And so on, and so on. I don't know that I can be the person you'll remember, as a matter of fact, I may look unfamiliar, I may sound like I've been thrown through a lingual grinder of Commonwealth accents. But the problem will be there'll be something- that thing- inside my head that's inside everyone's... but now it will be ticking, like a clock on ecstasy, counting the moments until I am off again. It's just the way I've got to be, now. You'll understand... right? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-12-28 - 11:04 a.m.] The Heartbeat In My Wounds I don't know what it is about this time of year... okay, I do know, but I never knew it would feel this way here. Not even 'this' way; stronger, yet, than never ever before. I totally want something new, but what am I supposed to do... about you? I made the mistake of reading some old e-mail; I guess wanting to feel closer to home (my home in the past). It was the wrong thing to do, I don't really need to be spending Sunday driven to tears by words that were once said, and then taken harshly away about a month later. Why do people do that? Take words away... you say something, you can't take it away. So don't. Don't. Don't. But I guess it's raining, and it hasn't rained since I have been here. I think the rainy emotions inside us all need to come out; just as it needs to pour over Calcutta... and wash this city... wash my insides. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-12-11 - 4:21 p.m.] I almost forgot it in you, you bi-polar, undesirable alien, you. You. You: you are one half lover, and one half loner. It's either one or the other with you: you're alone now, and you are in love with your sadness, your face of tragedy, you can wander those hills, and keep your eyes to the sewers, and remain alone... But why do you remain alone? For the vague hope that some girl will come to you, like a wounded cat, and fix your wounded heart with non-toxic love. Something you can stick too, like two flys stuck on paper resigned to a life together, no matter how flightless. That's you. And I am not going to be that girl, who fixes you, who brings you together. So when you come home, I will be here. But I won't be there. Stay in good health, *** ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-12-07 - 9:53 a.m.] look to the sky, daddy-o, ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-12-03 - 1:53 p.m.] I guess it's fated that my dreams should be mocking me so. And not only down under in the crypts conciousness, where one can bury so much shredded feeling. But up above, on the surface, in the sunlight, away from your hideout. I look to my left when I am at the restaurant, and I see you. I climb these hills, and look behind and I see you. It was like those times back home. Whenever I picture myself, away from a mirror, but when I subconciously picture the way I look, you are standing here with me, and it looks so right. I don't even remember what I look like anymore. But I can see you still, clear as the mountains the great me every morning from the dirty windows of the dorm. After you've lost love, you begin to loathe yourself... and everyone around you can see that in your eyes. The self-loather. The broken-hearted, green eyed soul. I'll never send this... though maybe I should. Though maybe I am sending you enough through my feelings... they say feeling is the language of the soul. Can you hear through this earthly sadness? Your message here, ***** ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-11-25 - 4:04 p.m.] Dad, Wow. I guess I hit a nerve, there. I think there are some things that need to be clarified...If you aren't in the mood, you might want to stop here. Part of what makes America an honorable country is that it not only allows, but requires its citizens to be involved in the political process. While I agree that there is no way for me to know the ins and outs of every complex issue that our government faces, I believe that I not only have a right, but an obligation to learn as much as possible and form intelligent opinions on the policies I believe our country should take. We ellect leaders to contemplate the most complex issues and to make the best decision from their position of power and wisdom. I did not vote for Bush. I felt (and feel) strongly opposed to his (and his advisors) policies and the fundamental way he believes America should operate within a global environment. As a responsible citizen, I have the ethical responsibility to speak out when I believe my government is going in the wrong direction. The fact that you believe that just because ordinary citizens don't know all the complexities of a given issue that they shouldn't speak out or have a "meaningful opinion" about things that their government is doing blows my mind. Why not have a dictatorship if we're just going to give all the power and responsibility to our leaders? Our government is supposed to represent the people. I do not feel that my government represents me. There have been many times that I have considered renouncing my citizenship in response to the activities of my country, but a democracy requires people of all opinions to voice their ideas and I believe that I owe it to my country to stay a citizen, learn as much as I can about my country and its role in the world, and to fight to have it represent the ideals I believe in. That you are willing to give up this right, this responsibility of citizenship, and that you would be so closed to hearing an opinion that goes against yours apalls me. I do not believe that everything our country does is wrong or bad. I do not automatically assume the worst of my leaders. When Bush invaded Afghanistan, I did not agree, but I tried really hard to find the value and the positive effects of such an act. I have examined every side of the Iraq issue that I have encountered and done a lot of thinking about it. This is a very complex issue, and my ideas about it would take another huge e-mail. But, believe it or not, I really do want to belong to a country that does the right thing. I want very badly to be proud of my country. But when I believe the negative effects of an action far outway the positive ones, I do not delude myself into thinking that it just seems bad because I don't know everything I should. Power corrupts. We are the most powerful country in the world. Is it beyond reason to believe that our country could do things that are not noble or right? And when our country does these things, should we stay quiet and comfortable, blindly believing that our leaders are "trying to do the right thing"? This attitude is what allowed Hitler and other brutal leaders to take power. Do not be so arrogant to believe that we are above the evil that exists in the rest of the world. We simply do a better job at sugar-coating it and making it seem benign through a media that is hugely controlled by money and power. I do not think we know all the facts - you are right. However, I am a bit more apt to believe that the facts that are ommited from the daily news are NOT the ones that make us look good. I think the general public really likes news that makes us look good, so I don't think these stories are left out of what we read/see. Please understand, I think that America does many noble thngs. I do not devalue the humanitarian activities of our country. However, I think that the foundations of our democracy have become corrupted by money and power. I do not believe we EVER commit ourselves to any act that is not solely within the best interests of our country. And by best interests I am referring to our military and economic position of power in the world. I think to defend this position in world politics our country often does some very shameful things. It is because I believe in the foundations of our democracy that I am so enraged at what it has become. I do not fool myself into thinking that I do not benefit from these acts. I feel extremely forturnate to be an American and to be given the opportunities that that offers. But the luxury and advantages of being an American come with a very steep price. It is often a price paid for in innocent human lives from countries that can't properly defend themselves. And it is a price that not enough people are willing to look at. You think that my opinion is arrogant. It may be. However, if you were to ever leave the comfort of America and read and listen to some of the things that other countries say about us, you would understand that I am not alone. Whether my opinion is right or wrong, it is shared by a huge part of the world, and in many cases is far more extreme and condemning. Whether what we did and are doing is right or wrong, it is very clear the moment you leave home, that we have not made any allies in the world. Even our closest allies feel that America has gone a bit mad. If we are all wrong, than at the VERY LEAST, the Bush administration has profoundly failed at good PR. You, as I am, are more than entitled to your opinion. However, your opinion seems to be based more in the things that you don't know than the things that you do. Here are some things we DO know: 1. On more than one occasion Bush and his "cronies" either exaggerated or misrepresented facts about the Iraqi threat. 2. There has been NO credible evidence of either existing weapons of mass destruction OR a connection to Bin Laden or AlQaida. 3. Thousands of innocent lives were lost 4. Both Saddam Hussein AND Bin Laden are now at large. 4. More people/countries feel fear/anger towards us now than ever. 5. A friendly government in Iraq gives America a lot of leveraging power in the middle east. 6. America acted unilaterally, without the support of most of our allies or the rest of the world. 7. America completely disregarded UN laws and undermined the power of the only peace-making organization that most of the world belongs to. 8. Bush repeatedly embarasses himself and his country by sounding like an idiot cowboy. 9. Our economy is in terrible shape, many domestic issues have been neglected, most our citizens are without proper health care, social security is in danger, social service/humanitarian programs are being slashed, global warming is a reality - and we go to war. Yes, we are committing $87 billion to help Iraq. It is $87 billion dollars that we HAVE to pay because we made such a mess of things in our very exciting "SHOCK AND AWE" campaign. I do not deny that there are some facts that support these moves. However, the strongest and most credible arguments for our behavior are based on conjecture and the word of leaders who have yet to do a single thing that makes me trust them. I am sorry that my shame upsets you. Your passivity upsets me. You said once that if we didn't find weapons of mass destruction, that you would be out protesting. We haven't found them. We probably won't. Now you, like our government, conveniently find a way to excuse or justify this failure. When is enough enough? How much of a mess does our country need to make before you have a problem with it? You are right - government is a human enterprise and there will always be a few "bad apples". Should we ignore or justify them when they come up, though? It is amazing to me that our country seriously considered impeaching Clinton for having "sexual relations" with an intern, but that you and most of the citizens of this country have no "meaningful" opinon on an issue as important as the overthrow of another country and the murder of innocent civilians. My shame is not unpatriotic or disloyal. Speaking out about what I believe is the single most American thing I can do. It bothers me that you would discourage this. You tell me not to live a lie. Yet, you refuse to seriously challenge the actions of your government or to even consider the horrible ramifactions of SOME of its activities. You have lived in the same city your entire life and you actively avoid leaving the country. You justify and excuse the things that make you uncomfortable so that you don't have to confront the unpleasant realities that are the cost of our freedom. I am sorry to be so condemning. Your letter just really upset me. I am on an active quest to make this all make sense. I am working really hard to face and understand the things most people don't want to even think about. That you would suggest that my shame is casual or one-sided shows that you really didn't understand me at all. I love you too. I value very much that we can express these frustrations to one another and still be friends at the end of the day. I respect you more than I can say and I hope that the strength of my sentiments does not make you feel any less loved or respected. I miss you - and I miss America - every day. I just don't know how to love you or my country without being honest. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-11-25 - 4:03 p.m.] A few words Now it feels about time that I write a little about death, because today I feel jumpy and highly alive. Possibly from drinking loads of green tea I am buzzing, flying high, that’s the nearest thing I get to drugs these days, oh yes. What I want to say now, is that I know I will absolutely inevitably die, and so will everybody I know, and every single living being in the world, and all objects and materials will fall to dust eventually and return to the source and get recycled and become new things again. And that I do not feel any fear about this, or have any misgivings whatsoever, I love the changes and system and if it were any other way, it wouldn’t work at all, it would all collapse. People are often scared of death. Either it’s because we are afraid of our own non-existence, or afraid of the dying process, or afraid of that vast uncaring universe that does not need us to exist. There maybe other reasons too. Why are we not afraid of the countless aeons that existed before we were born, why do other regions of space that have not had the benefit of our presence not worry us? What about the probable trillions of years into the future when we do not exist, no-one at all remembers us, our bodies are dust, our memories unknown, our thoughts forgotten, even our countless descendents do not even think about us? Is this what makes us afraid? I am spending time and energy and money learning and studying and thinking and traveling, and sometimes doing a little work too, but I know that in the end all of it will turn to nothingness and not a thing will remain. My body is made of atoms that came from old exploded stars, and they in turn came from other stars, and so on back to the great start of things, or to infinity if that’s the case, but even so I look on this as my body, I think it’s mine, or I even think. “this is me”, even though it is basically a vehicle for my consciousness and there is not a single part of it that I owned originally. You could say it is composed of food from many years pushing good victuals in my face. It seems a kind of fundamental error to consider this as my body. It would be more true to say this entire universe is my body, or that my body is composed of everything that does not seem to be ‘my body’. In some years, or perhaps tomorrow, I will die and the component parts of this body will spread out across the world and become other animals and people and trees and houses and food and machines and water. The food I eat contains small parts of countless thousands of other people who are long forgotten, and their dogs, clothing, wall hangings, furniture and so on, as well as possibly atoms from alien beings that lived unimaginably long distances away and who were turned into star bodies before those stars exploded and formed our galaxy and solar system, the planets, and consequently my body. And these atoms, that I am so attached to, will dissolve and become other things, and the idea of Chas’s body will cease to exist too, and this thought is a cause for some kind of joy and inspiration. I like the cycle of things, the indestructibility of things. Composite things get crushed and broken and fall to pieces and die and get recycled. The basic fundamental bits do not. When I say my body is the body of the universe I mean it in a very real way. It is not metaphor. We do not live inside our bodies, we live in the universe, and that flows and flumps about in ways we do not understand, and things become other things and beings become other beings and we cannot really separate life and phenomena on the physical level. Only by taking a slice of time out of the flow and analyzing it, which of course then means the bit we are analyzing is separate from the whole and therefore not real. When I talk about the fundamental bits I mean Mind. Nebulous, seemingly ungraspable, undefinable; it is the thing we use when we are looking for it. Science does not know what it is. Religion talks about it, but cannot do more than point towards where it considers we should be looking. We are familiar with the contents of mind. When we say, ‘I know who I am’, we mean that we are comfortable with what is in our minds, we are familiar with our thought patterns and memories and dreams and desires and plans for the future and likes and dislikes. But these are not mind, they are not us, despite the fact that we identify so strongly with them. If a person says, ‘I am not the contents of mind, I am mind itself’, what does that mean? What is this mind that holds all the contents? Is it like a big space with loads of room for the stuff that we fill it with? Is it a real thing, or unreal? Is it right to identify ourselves with it, even though we cannot say what exactly it is? When we think we understand mind, does that mean we do, or just get convinced we do? How could we know that we have arrived at a definitive realization about it? Does the mind have any defining characteristics? The spiritual traditions use metaphors such as, ‘mind is the ground luminosity’, ‘mind is pure awareness’, ‘mind is pure understanding’, mind is God’, ‘mind is light’, ‘mind is spontaneous presence’ and so on, but to what extent do these descriptions refer to mind itself? Are they really saying anything at all about it? If you say, ‘mind has no characteristics or definitions’, isn’t that a characteristic? Is there any way to get to the bottom of this? Is it important? Should we just live life and love other people and do our work and not worry about this kind of intellectualization? Is it a waste of time? Or is it the goal of life? Can anybody, without quoting anything or anyone whatsoever, give a good answer? If there was conformity over these questions, the world would be much more boring, less challenging and possibly more peaceful. But I don’t think that agreeing with what other people think will necessarily sort this out, and avoiding the whole caboodle altogether is repugnant to me. I do not expect to get particular answers, but I will damn well spend time having a sniff around for possibilities… the search is what matters here. I would like to say also, that I am not worried. Fear of death, and worries, have disappeared, gone scoot, vamoosed, chalo. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-11-23 - 4:56 p.m.] Respected Sir, With due respect and humble submission I beg to lay down the following few lines for your kind consideration and favourable action please. That I have come to know from the advertisement published that there are vacancies of community worker. I therefore offer myself for any suitable post. Lastly, I assure you ‘Sir’ if I may be given a chance I will leave no stone unturned. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-11-17 - 10:27 a.m.] To, Binay. I love you very much and you I know you don’t love me ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-11-02 - 5:26 a.m.] I miss the winters, in the student houses, with the kitchen table invariably donated by a certain roomate's ancestors... Whether the tabletop held a pathetic attempt at a fruit bowl, a case of skunky beer, or an ugly beta fish, it was all good, and I wish that was now a site for my sore eyes. But now I am packing bags and saying goodbyes... for only four months it seems, just a co-op term... but how come this time, I feel I'll come home, and everyone will be finished with school? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-31 - 7:36 p.m.] Bradford leaves Much... and a Temple Of The Dog reunion... And me still here. Yeah, I'm ready to move on with my life. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-29 - 4:31 p.m.] You have to wonder why your dreams tease you so. Like, come on, we're all in the same side, don't do that to me; it's not a fantasy, it's a lost hope. Stop making me believe it's something I could still have. As you may see, I had a little 'Solaris' of my own last night, while I slept. I think I've been living in 'Solaris' for quite some time now... ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-23 - 12:28 a.m.] It's later in October, and we have the heat turned on, the gas fireplace fired up. This lends the house a certain vibe that I can only describe as Christmas. Christmas is a bittersweet time of year... as I think it likely is for everyone. It is sad that I am going to miss it this year. It is sad that I am going to miss my car cutting through blankets of snow... You know, I am one of those guys who would fake his death, only to run away to Red Hill Mining town, or something, and get dirty and drink my paycheque away until I marry the foreman's daughter and live a simple existence of back breaking physical toils and unassuming love. I would get away with it, too, if it weren't for all that meddling philosophy. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-20 - 1:00 a.m.] Certain wires hang low, too close to the water, yet we just sit and gape, do nothing about it. When things get too low, we lose our flow, and someday soon, we'll keep staring, while the world fades into oblivion. A typical outlook, I find; always morose, never wondering why. We sit behind these controlled movie screens, and try to make eye contact through a world of wires, yet never get so far beyond our fantasies. Why do we come here? This whole damn thing is just an escape from happiness. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-17 - 3:57 p.m.] "Here you go Jenny... she's an old vessel, but she's seaworthy again. Should be clear sailing on that paper route of yours." ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-15 - 4:36 p.m.] This website is clearly beginning to run out of 'Bort' license plates in the gift shop. Shoppe, even. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-12 - 7:47 p.m.] Oh lord it hurts... every passing moment. Every thought of yesterday. Everything that I am not right now, I still deserve to be. Somehow... and I'm sad. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-10 - 4:46 a.m.] In a wonderful world, I would be singing you 'Yellow', and allowing you to play with my hair. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-10 - 3:03 a.m.] Jesus Christ, why don't you come save my life tonight? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-09 - 10:49 a.m.] Alright, you got me out of bed. But for what? For me to sit here and wait for you not to call? Gee. Nice. Ever wonder if we are slaves to the telephone? They sit in such choice positions; beside your bed, on the kitchen wall by the calendar. And when they call to us, we get up and run to them. God, I can't write in the mornings. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-08 - 2:27 a.m.] Same songs, same fucking words. Every damn night. The tune never changes, but the tempo may rise or fall to prove a point. You know how when you press down on a calculator's LCD display, it's almost as if you are splashing a rainbow puddle underneath? It felt like someone just did that to my eye. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-04 - 5:38 p.m.] I was sitting on the toilet, wondering why exactly A Perfect Circle's new stuff bores the bejeezus out of me, when their original album sends sparks of macabre delight through my loins. The problem, I feel is that Maynard James Keenan is now writing their music, instead of just lyrics. The end result is Scrappy to Maynard's Scooby Tool. His meandering blitzkrieg of bass and guitar is just boring without Danny Carey's ritualistic percussing. Remind me to talk about my dream later. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-03 - 7:23 p.m.] I wonder if after I die, I'll be able to go and see concerts of artists that left this world before my time. Like Morrisson... Lennon. Jeff Buckley for sure. But then we could form some interesting supergroups, like Sammy Davis Jr. heading up the dead half of Lynryd Skynyrd. Or Frank Sinatra duetting with the dead Milli Vanilli guy. And so on. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-10-03 - 1:38 a.m.] Uh oh. This cream cheese I am currently spreading expires on December 23rd. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-30 - 9:34 p.m.] I think I'll spend tomorrow searching my catalogue of digital photos for unexplaned orbs. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-27 - 1:39 a.m.] I just made the kind of face at this screen like that coked up fat chick from Len does in that video... Wait, wait, maybe more like the face your schnauzer makes when she walks in on mommy and daddy making whoopee. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-26 - 4:10 a.m.] Tonight. It almost happened. Almost! Happened! What I have been ready for, for over a year. Like a child waiting on the curb for a tardy parent, I awaited breathlessly as I felt something creep up on me. But then... again I became aware, and I would not let it happen. Oh, lord, why won't it happen? i know it's the last day on earth, we'll be together while the planet dies. i know it's the last day on earth, we'll never say goodbye. I am just waiting for love to burn its casualities. And I have been soaked in fuel for far too long. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-26 - 3:41 a.m.] Times like these I actually forget why it is that sodas, in fact, do rule. All I remember is that 'sodas' especially rule for Canadians. I could have just named this site 'love-monkey#9.diaryland.com', like I wanted to, but I figured it better that two readers get the joke instead of zero. I like when people get my jokes. It's actually a rare thing. In school, I would always write little inside jokes to myself in my notes, so that when I was studying, I wasn't completely suicidal. That's right, I like it when people get my jokes. Or, even, if they just pretend. My identity crisis screams through it all. you are not an enemy... you are not an enemy... gentle as the sky, please don't ask me why. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-25 - 5:08 p.m.] I'm not wearing any pants. I do that quite often, though I suppose the rest of the world does, too. Clothes are a funny thing... the world has gone from loin cloths, to barrels with straps, to tunics and coats of mail, to corsets, to... whatever it is we have now. I can see the allure of being a nudist, although certain things, like for instance... deep frying potatoes, or reshingling a roof I don't think I would ever want to do whilst naked. But still... don't you hate pants? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-23 - 5:08 a.m.] I see you baby... shakin' that ass. I never intended for this site to be the flotsam and jetsam for quotations from shitty, misdirected songs. I never intended for this site to be more than a staging area for... whatever it is I do. I never intended for my life to be ordinary. So I can play with my hair until the beefalo come home; no one will give a shit. I stay just a further bit away in case something a little closer intends to answer my question of 'would?' The hair people can now siege my insides through my eyes; camping on my floaters like asteroids in the Atari game. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-23 - 3:48 a.m.] And I get closer to just wanting to mothafucking dance. People, they don't understand... Ex-girlfriends, they can't understand... Spaceships, they won't understand... And me? I ain't ever going to understand shit. Thanks to the Strokes for the pilfered structure. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-22 - 3:18 p.m.] A lot of things I wanted to keep inside at the very least... just did not successfully filter through my skin. Caught in a haze of... well, rudimentary things and Colt .45. I had a dream last night that I was seeing a therapist, and on his wall he had framed my very own words... Yet he had no idea that he was talking to someone who's life he had immortalized under glass. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-18 - 5:02 a.m.] A depressing film, some inconsequential liquor, a service outage, an agitated phone call to New Zealand... an hour of actual creativity, a bowl of canned pasta and a stolen beer later, my eyes are half shut, half dead. Tomorrow is going to be a different day, because tonight I learned far too much for it not to be. Oh, wow, and now here you are, and here I am. Consequence. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-17 - 1:00 a.m.] Uh oh. Tonight = Kam vs. Dashboard Confessional. Some nights hypocrisy feels oh so right. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-16 - 12:41 a.m.] I don't pride myself in much. But one thing I do pride myself in is 'getting' art. But, I have to admit right now, that I just don't 'get' Teen Girl Squad. Or, sorry, 'T33n G1rl Squ4d'. Strikes me to be as funny as Elaine Boosler discussing her PMS. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-14 - 2:57 p.m.] I'm pretty good in the kitchen. I have never successfully, though, baked a pie. Shit, that is not true, in London for a weekend long 'party', I baked two cinammon pies. Well, hell. There goes that allegory. I was going to say what I need to do is take three of four elements of writing (character, tone, setting), and bake it into a delicious, sexy pie. But I ruined it for myself, didn't I? ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-14 - 3:17 a.m.] You have to love melancholy. There's just something more to it than an over-produced Smashing Pumpkins double album. I like the assault of a sad song, a painful memory, or disturbing movie. Because it inspires me, it makes me feel... which reminds me that we are not so numb as I, nor the rest of society, thinks. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-12 - 3:52 a.m.] I sit here and try to plead my case... 'Siamese Dream' is the greatest new rock album of all time. And I think to the songs that make me feel this way... 'Hummer', 'Mayonaise', 'Silverfuck', 'Rocket'... And I feel as if I am canoeing through space, singing to my extra terrestrial lovers. My hair is everywhere. I am happy that it dances, as I headbang. My hair is everywhere. You may want it for your D&D campaigns. You may want it for your Headbanger's Balls. You may want it for Marilyn Manson's moog. But still. My hair is everywhere. Fornicating with your hair, that last year, was also everywhere. I can't take anymore. I run my fingers through my hair. It is not totally spider webbed. I love you, o you with the fingers who can make me innocent. I want somebody who feels to run their fingers through mhy hair and feel the thickness... the darkness... the wonder. I gesticulate: I'll keep digging, until I feel something. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-12 - 1:15 a.m.] 'Not For You' is the only Pearl Jam song I can identify with my high school NIN angst... maybe it is the way the vocalist's voice cracks. I still feel the anger. And now I am feeling a late February day in the mall parking lot, and what the fuck, I once again, am in high school again. "I still remember... why don't you?" Fuck you. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-11 - 3:58 a.m.] Hey, it's 9/11. As the first tower fell down, I was applying gel to my hair. I remember saying out loud 'wow, this is big, isn't it?' And then I went to my car to drive to class, and Edge102 was playing 'Smooth Criminal'. Happy 9/11. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-11 - 3:48 a.m.] Like a junkie finding Jesus in a Motel 6, I just reached out and was pulled from painful memories of an unlikely future. I could not sleep. Can not, I guess. So I decided to fiddle with the knobs of my clock radio, hoping to find that one of the three local stations was playing something I could stomach. Instead I somehow found 103.3 the Edge from Buffalo playing 'Yellow Ledbetter' at 3:45 AM in the pitch black. And I realize that I know countless people, that if they were ever to hear this song over the radio, they would think of me no matter what. It is not bragging to say so; I have earned it with endless bleating. Still, a nice realization as the world begins to turn faster. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-11 - 12:46 a.m.] I had one of those dreams that could be second in a double feature at your local Scream-O-Plex. It involved searching a local abandonned factory, whilst the beast rumbled in its bowels. Too much Rob Zombie, methinks. And then I had trouble deciding whether I was sleeping, or if I was awake. I could here the music that was playing conciously, but then I thought... what if that music is just playing in my head? I don't know where I was, but I do know that I was not in my room last night. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-09 - 2:54 a.m.] Does it sometimes feel as if your tears are sitting in some sort of green room behind your eyes; smoking cigarettes, and eating Krispy Kreme at the expense of Harpo Productions, Inc.? Just waiting for the right introduction into the world of lights, cameras and make up. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-08 - 11:19 p.m.] I just love how when you are a teenager, they tell you ambivalently that this is both the hardest time of your life, and the best time. But when you become a 'young adult', you tell yourself ambivalently, the same thing. I think being 80 will be the hardest time of my life. But what do I know. It may be something I never have to know, since I have already taken a plateful from a buffet of carcinogens. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-07 - 3:25 a.m.] Only five minutes until 'Untalkative Bunny' starts. I would like to have a cerebral death match: Untalkative Bunny vs. Kim Possible. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-06 - 2:08 a.m.] Scents that would make great perfumes: Halloween candy You may think I am trying to be cute, but I do enjoy all of those 'smells' a great deal. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-06 - 1:39 a.m.] Let's angst away like it were 1999: '...it blows my mind, lying here just knowing, not for sure but still definite in my mind yes there is no scientific evidence but you just know it's got to be true that as i am lying here in natural bliss still emotionally traumatized but at least nature numbs that feeling somebody in a galaxy far far away to be cliched is doing the exact same thing i am doing thinking the exact same thought i am thinking feeling the exact same way i am feeling and i can't help but believe that he she or it needs to be with me they need somebody like me to complete them but the unfortunate truth is that they exist millions of light years away and can only think of my existence much as i am thinking of their's they can't know i am here they can only dream even ruminate but at least i can take a consolation in knowing that thinking of me makes them feel better because it was only when i made eye contact for the first time over fields and fields of stars that i started to feel better and i became exactly what you read at this moment. "pain for poetry, it's telepathy. knock heads with me." hello out there i see you feel you. hello in there nice to see you write again...' ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-05 - 1:20 a.m.] Too many hours reading Kerouac paired with too many hours watching Family Guy on my computer leaves my mind like a trail mix of LSD and Skittles. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-04 - 2:03 a.m.] I just realized that this is the first time since the summer of 1993 that I have not been enrolled in school, or employed. And at least then I had Dragon Warrior. The world is a scary place when you have time to... remember it. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-04 - 1:07 a.m.] I got my first Sobig.F virus today. Now I'm one of the chosen ones. Though I do wonder which one of you that has me in their address book is now infected. Eww germs, germs. Wicked screensaver germs. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-03 - 10:27 p.m.] How can I be expected to write 'fiction', when I have all the drama I need unfolding on my computer screen? But I don't want to be one of those guys who cuts and pastes swatches of cyberspace into a novel. As Kurdt D. Kobain once said: 'you're in high school agaaaaiiiin! No recess!' ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-03 - 4:41 p.m.] I think I need a smaller room. I don't think I have enough to fill a room this large anymore. But of course when I moved into this room, I had a lot more furniture, and knick knacks that I seemed to share with somebody, or even something. 75% of what I own now sits neatly piled or boxed in the closet, and I am almost praying for the walls to close in on me a bit. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-03 - 3:05 p.m.] I suppose what I am doing is taking the low, long road. One can say 'the way out is through', however not only is it through, it is also beneath the surface of pretty much anything. So, by wallowing, by being bored... patient, I guess... I am drilling through my own internal Canadian Shield, avoiding the sting of external elements. ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-02 - 11:09 p.m.] and just to begin sorry for visual rape you have not the look i want ?SYNTAX ERROR --- READY. [2003-09-02 - 10:33 p.m.] ...Once a grocery store in a converted movie house right downtown, I remember walking down the magazine aisle thinking that if I tripped I would roll down hill, and impale myself on hooks that hung cheap kitchen gadgets over a wall that once showed "Bridge On The River Kwai". As the inventory aged, loyal customers jumped from the smalltown treadmill; or, leastways, into the corporate big-box void. The store now sits in the industrial section, clientele comprised of warehouse workers and teens with nic fingers. Soft candy sits hard, and hard candy sits shattered as no child would dare ride their bike out this far; God has sealed this cookie jar and put it way up on the top shelf so high, he will ultimately forget about it as well. ?SYNTAX ERROR
--- READY. [2003-09-02 - 8:43 p.m.] "...and I said something like 'Oh man [laugh] that totally reminds me of...' or 'Oh man [laugh] we should totally do that...'" ?SYNTAX ERROR
--- READY. [2003-09-02 - 8:40 p.m.] Turns out I have always been confusing Mayor McCheese with Officer Big Mac. ?SYNTAX ERROR
---
SYS 4096 |